The Black Russian

A Russian woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis yesterday. What I want to know is:

1. How long was it before he realized he was on fire?

2. Is vodka alone an effective anesthetic?

3. What is wrong with cutting up his clothes the old fashioned way?

4. Will he “rise” to celebrity status like Bobbitt?

5. He probably deserved it BUT now she’s made him a martyr!!!

At least there is a cocktail named after IT!!!

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (from Grey's Anatomy)

A tribute to my favourite programme and a very cool song!!!!

Enrique Iglesias hero

Excuses, excuses

No time to blog recently… my last few days have been...

1. Schmoozing function;
2. Personality-free Dweeb Convention – aka work function;
3. Running in high heels in the slick wet streets of Auckland and sliding on the makeshift boardwalks – damn that Mayor!!
4. Getting a couple of passes to NZ Fashion Week – double yay!!
5. Being chatted up by an alkie at the city bottlestore – not NOT cool
6. Eventually celebrating a friend’s birthday with a couple of bottles of bubbles – totally cool;
7. Cooking dinner for friends – always easier to cook when you are drinking red wine and listening to old music!!

I need to get some serious retail therapy done – I’m thinking maybe Sydney ..

A Makeover for The City of Sails

The forefathers of Auckland City should be hung out to dry in my opinion as no thought has been given to town planning, transport and future growth. Any tourist visiting the city is disappointed with the lack of waterfront parks and facilities, instead they are faced with concrete tanks, container terminals and private apartment blocks (some of the leaky kind).

What we need, without delay, is another harbour crossing in the form of a tunnel. The expense is always going to be great but it will always be cheaper today than tomorrow. The only problem is we have four mayors who can never decide and when given to the public to vote on, a stalemate occurs.

We have to face facts, Auckland is not a train city and never will be. We drive cars!!! We will not give up our comfort and why shoud we? Most people who drive do not work in the CBD but way beyond and taking a bus or ferry beyond the CBD is not an option if you want to get to work that day. So I wish the greenies would get off their bikes and accept the fact - more roads, another harbour crossing, bus lanes (if you absolutely must) .

Auckland is very much a harbour city and more ferries (not old leaky clangers that are in service at the moment) that are comfortable and passenger friendly should be put in service covering more of the city's coastline.

Hopefully Auckland will vote a little more wisely at the next mayoral/council elections. We need a forward thinker who will take risks but has the future of Auckland as a beautiful go-ahead harbour city in its sights.

Dressing by Numbers

Here is an online alternative to Trinny and Susannah. Truly is the creation of New Zealander, Sharlene Camp, a former model and fashionista. All that is required is a few profiling questions which are done in a fun and upbeat way and you will be given options of what designs, shape and colour suit you best. The list of designers is small at present but no doubt will grow in time. This could take some of the guesswork out for those who don't have time to shop (God forbid) or are unsure of what suits them - saves the cost of a stylist - YAY!! You have to be honest in how you answer the questions though otherwise you are only cheating yourself - but for a bit of fun you could try something wild and see what you come up with.

Going Fishin...

Time to head out of the city for a few days - this time to one of the most beautiful lakes in the world (and not just in my opinion). This lake has the most spectacular sunrises and sunsets, bush and mountain views. Best of all there is hardly anyone around - the lake feels crowded when there are 10 boats fishing and it's huge. So my criteria was simple:

1. Cosy, comfortable house (on the water's edge);


2. Log fire (chopped wood by cute woodcutter essential);


3. Private jetty - the water is cold but you never know...;


4. Lots of water toys - to go to No. 5 with;


5. Great coffee and fab food within 10 minutes of full throttle.

If You've Got IT Flaunt It

I have been observing over the last few weeks how it is that those who are good looking really do get the job. Assuming all candidates have been put forward with similar experience/qualifications, male employees will nearly always choose the tall, blonde over the plain jane. It's human nature really and no PC human rights legislation can do anything about it. An acquaintance of mine was complaining about just this issue the other day when she was interviewed - unfortunately lacking in the looks department, she wasn't snapped up immediately and even more unfortunate for her, the employer was a male. She didn't really get what was happening as she was well qualified for the position but I wasn't going to be the one to tell her the reality.

But it's not all bad news for the non-lookers - absolutely not!!! In NZ our public sector is the fastest growing area and they gravitate there - especially to the Councils where looks are not favoured and bad hair, no dress sense and grungy looks are what matters. If these non-lookers play their cards right, they will move up through the ranks and the sky's the limit - look at our PM - perfect example.

Attractive people will always have an edge to their counter-parts - it's a reality that has and always will remain with us and no amount of evolution can change that.

The JailBird

Paris is astute enough to make prison work to her advantage - just watch!! Don't you love the stripes, even a zebra can't wear them as well.

Bubbles on Board

I generally dislike public transport - sharing everyone's hacking cough and sniffles - grrrrrr!!! So I really have to bite my tongue severely on the early morning rides as all the workers silently line up to get on board - kind of like loading up a cattle/sheep truck for the freezing works.

Anyway, to make travel a little more fun, my good buddy who shares the same sense of humour and admiration for good taste and style has come back - YAY!!! But I need to find her a man - not any man but one who:

1. Doesn't have too much baggage (or at least can lock it up in a trunk and throw away the key);
2. Is tall (i.e. over 5ft 6 - a big ask I know);
3. Is not a lawyer - this is self explanatory;
4. Has a fantastic sense of humour;
5. FF (firm and financial) definitely not Fat and Flabby!!

So - here's to Friday evening's crossing - we're taking a couple of miniature Lindauer bottles to celebrate, well anything really - do you need an excuse?

Let Them Eat Cake!!

Once again the Government is interfering in our lives and has banned popular "unhealthy" canteen food from school tuck shops. Their reasoning - our kids are getting fatter!!! This is completely the wrong way of going about it - they are taking away even more social responsibility from parents. Once again, they are getting schools to educate children (albeit by force) on something which should be done by parents at home.

Does Sue Kedgley et al really think that banning unhealthy food from school canteens will make kids eat better - NO WAY - you have to board up the fast food chains, the bakeries and the dairies to stop them!!! Besides - I haven't seen that many fat kids - their parents on the other hand are a different matter. That says it all really.

New Zealand should stop being such a nanny state and encourage social responsibility - which I know goes against the grain of the Socialist, lefty brigade because they are growing their future voters. But it will be interesting to see which schools tell the government to naff off and leave them to educating children which is their primary responsibility NOT parenting!!!

In Defence of Self-defence

An outstanding decision by JP's to dismiss charges against Greg Carvell for defending himself and his staff against a machete wielding nutter. The right to defend yourself and/or your family is paramount and the police being concerned about the public arming themselves with weapons is unfounded.


"Mr Carvell was charged after shooting armed intruder Ricky Beckham in the stomach with a .45-calibre pistol after Beckham entered his Small Arms International gunshop in Great South Rd, Penrose, demanding guns and threatening staff with a machete."

And yes, you will find most people, if they were in the same position as Greg Carvell, would do exactly the same - what would be the choice - to give the raving lunatic guns and ammunition so he can kill you and then kill 50 other people!!!

No - arming yourself to the teeth with weapons is not the answer but sleep easy tonight with a cricket bat (willow of course) an 8 iron golf club and a pair of stilletos - not weapons - just peace of mind!!!

5 Nil to Team NZ

Team New Zealand - you totally rock - bring the Cup back to Auckland boys!!!!!

No. 1 Pin-Up Boy

So Brad Pitt has the body most men only ever dream about – and apparently their women also!!

At 43 he is still totally HOT!!

Granted his work demands that he looks good, fit and sexy but genetics, breeding and the X-factor is something that cannot be changed or bought!!!

Another thing in Brad's favour - he is definitely NOT a metrosexual.

Movers and Shakers

What better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than with a good friend, eating yummy food in a quiet country cafe? Part way through lunch, a woman in her late 50's at the next table approached me about my incessant moving and jiggling of my crossed legs!!!! (I'm a fidget NO BIG DEAL!!!).

She told me (in total seriousness) that she too had been "afflicted" with this in the past and it could be as a result of a suppressed psychological episode from childhood or may be (in her case APPARENTLY) a dietary disorder. I replied to her (choking back my laughter) that yes, something psychological could possibly be the problem. I truly believed that I should have been born FILTHY rich and that working for a living totally SUCKED!! I mean REALLY!!!

As she left me, she advised I seek professional help from a naturopath or herbalist (both of which I think are pure quackery and a total waste of money!!!).

My friend shrieked with laughter when I told her what just happened. At which point, we ordered a bottle of bubbly and proceeded to drink that with a totally decadent piece of chocolate brownie!! The bouncing and jiggling of course got worse than ever!!!!!

Some people just need to loosen up!!! I know I jiggle and fidget and can't sit still but I know plenty of other people who are worse than I. SO WHAT - I was told by a fitness instructor recently that it all burns calories - SO THERE!!!!

Sex, Lies and Videotape

Well Ian Wishart of Investigate Magazine has been digging yet again – this time into the allegations of corruption by Police Commissioner Howard Broad and various MP’s in the 1980’s. Helen Clarke and her Labour MP’s have been aware for many years of extensive police misconduct and has done well with the smoke screen of PC Broad’s admission to watching an illegal movie, but wait there is more:

• SEX
  It seems that the police corruption goes as far south as Dunedin with PC Broad et al involved in sexual misconduct at the Dunedin CIB;


• 
  Police HQ, Dunedin CIB and the Labour Government together stopped an investigation into a bondage/child sex ring which was operated by a police officer’s father and attended by at least one Labour cabinet minister;


• 
  Michael Cullen and David Benson-Pope (of tennis ball fame) ran the damage control over the above sex case in 1985;


• 
  Labour MP’s Pete Hodgson, Tim Barnett, George Hawkins and Matt Robson were aware of major sex allegations of police misconduct as far back as 2000. This included the knowledge of videos of police rapes and bestiality involving police officers;


• 
  Current and former Dunedin police officers have been involved in numerous rapes of staff, prostitutes and civilians;
  
  
  LIES


• The Labour Government were aware of police corruption for many years and turned a blind eye;


• 
  Dunedin and Christchurch Police assisted organized crime by ignorning under age sex and drug dealing in return for sexual favours from brothels;


• 
  The police have files on politicians and public figures to assist them in blackmailing the government should the need arise;


• 
  There were several corrupt top police officers investigating the David Bain case;


• 
  


• AND THE VIDEOTAPE
  
  Police Commissioner Howard Broad has admitted to watching a bestiality video. This is both illegal and prohibitive to screen such objectionable material. He admitted to this basically to try and come clean with the public and to quash any further investigations into his and other police officers misconduct. Of course he has the support of the Labour Government on these issues.

Ian Wishart has uncovered vast amounts of corruption, misconduct and general abuse of power. He is calling for a Royal Commission of Inquiry but it will be interesting to see how far this is taken. Have New Zealanders had enough of in-depth police enquiries or are they interested in clearing out the top brass who have been involved in this mess and are being rewarded by equally corrupt and dishonest Labour MP’s.

Enter the KeyMaster

Key ends Clark's 8-year reign as preferred PM

Does this have Lady Helen shaking in her Doc Martens and telling Dr C to give the ungrateful voters a tax cut? I don't think so.

But maybe, just maybe, the voters like the KeyMan because:

1. He IS a male;
2. His watered down version of right wing politics appeals to the liberal socialists;
3. He is the BEST looking MP (in living history) to run for the hot seat;
4. The male voters are OVER having an aggressive/feminist/lesbian in control;
5. HE is eloquent, sharp and dresses well (nah - can't be)
6. He is NOT a career politician who has clawed his way up through the public service

Bring it on Mr Key, your country needs you!!!!

Tres Chic Kiwi Style

Where are the Fashion Police when you need them? These shoes, for anyone lucky enough not to have noticed them are "Crocs". They are made out of a soft flexible plastic and come in a range of bright, hideous, in your face colours and are normally worn by large, Neanderthal men and women with NO fashion sense - in fact purple does go with orange pants.....really cool, especially if you work for the Council!!!! Don't they just SCREAM "Tosser" at you????

Smokin!

An Air New Zealand 737 from Wellington to Auckland was forced to land at the Ohakea Air Force base last Friday as smoke was (not quite - but) "billowing" from the cockpit. This flight contained a couple of MP's including our very own local National MP!!! Apparently the reason for the emergency landing was coffee had been spilt on the instruments causing an electrical fault...... this can only happen on Air New Zealand!!!! So....the question you have to ask is why are these planes built without coffee holders in the cockpit..... the most basic Japanese car has these and people apparently buy their car according to the size and position of these basic accessories. Come to think of it, why the heck do the pilots and crew want to drink that airline coffee - it's thick, black and disgusting.....paint stripper at the very least...... that could be part of the electrical problem......good coffee just wouldn't have that effect on wiring!!

GRRRRRRRR

I couldn't help myself when I filled my car with petrol today - I berated the little man behind the BP counter regarding the excessively high cost of petrol. I asked the few people in the forecourt if they were happy with the petrol price and surprise, surprise they had no opinion on the matter - SHEEP!! You wouldn't know it but the Kiwi dollar is at a 23 year high trading at 74 cents against the US, so why is it that our petrol prices are $1.52 a litre and only 1 cent a litre cheaper than this time last year?

Unfortunately, the NZ public is generally financially illiterate and consumers get ripped off blindly as a result. Now the Labour Govt may impose a 10 cent a litre petrol tax for the Auckland Region - the average JAFA of course accepts this - when are they going to wake up? Don't they realise that Aucklanders contribute more than 40% of the tax and have had little back in the way of infratructure spending.

So the leader of the Green Party announces that the new petrol tax will go into Auckland's public transport system and NOT into roading. Well, Aucklanders voted this Government in, they will get what they deserve, unfortunately the rest of us (a minority) will have to campaign extremely hard at the next election to rid the socialist lefties out!!

Barking Mad or Maybe Not?

One of my colleagues (I call her Fifi in that many people can be categorised into dog breeds - you get my drift) was complaining recently that she was running out of room on her belt to clip entry cards etc. The reason I later found out was that she has a bag alarm which attaches to her belt and sits inside her purse. If the two come apart a resounding 140 decibals screams out at you.

Now Fifi one lunchtime goes to the only exclusive department store we have in town to spend and does she spend!!!!! This day, she went to pay for an item and accidentally forgot to turn off the alarm - you guessed it the sucker went off!!!!! Maybe the alarm was a gift from her husband - not as a mugger deterrant but as a shopping deterrant - hmmmm maybe not. The thing is Fifi is going quietly deaf and we all may laugh at this but seriously this alarm is going to set off a lot. Come to think of it, this may be the cause of her deafness.

We all have no idea why she insists on this little device, we live in a fairly safe city - I mean it's not Liverpool or Rio and Fifi usually walks around with a crocodile leather bag and that thing is enough to seriously concuss the best mugger. I intend on having a bit of fun with this in the future!!!!

ANZAC Day

I attended the Devonport memorial service today along with hundreds of other locals. It seems to be a growing tradition not only in the area but throughout the country. As the war veterans and RSA members paraded down the mainstreet they did so to clapping and cheers as they followed the army and navy and navy band. Stirring stuff which brings tears to the eyes.

It is interesting but hardly surprising that until very recently, our (right wing) local MP, Wayne Mapp, has never been formally invited as a guest. Wayne's wife, Denese, attended the service on his behalf. The local area is a very liberal, socialist leaning demographic hence the heavy presence of Labour MP's. My English teacher for a few years was the representative Labour MP - an ultra socialist feminazi and a raving lesbian. The key to succeeding in her classes was of course to write essays that she wanted to hear - even though it was the complete opposite to what I believed in - you do what you have to do sometimes.

My faux pax for the day of course, was to greet Denese with a kiss and proceed to discuss the left wing tossers not realising that raving lesbian, socialist, feminist No. 1 was standing right behind me. I got a "look" but delivered one back - Labour MP's generally have no class and Denese has this in truck loads.

The service ended and the RSA was full to brimming with guests, veterans, navy, army etc - the rest of us fought for a table and a latte. I have to confess I don't eat or drink in this area often as the lap dogs and feminazi drive me nuts - but hey it's all in the name of peace!!

Trading-in Spouses

What is it about men and their mid-life crisis? So far this week, I have come across two 50 something males who are showing severe signs of this. The first guy has bought himself a seriously fast, seriously sexy (and seriously expensive) fast car, ditched his partner and now about to marry a young(ish????) Chinese girl. The other guy, a doctor, has traded in his ex for a younger version (complete with pre-schooler).

So are 50 something males moving on because their ex is:

• a nag
• boring and unadventurous
• fat and/or ugly (probably both)
• all of the above and they can't face the next 50 years staring at the same landscape

So does this tell me that women go through something similar in the way of a mid-life crisis. I don't think so. They seem to indulge in a boob job, liposuction and major botox treatment. Really its like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted - Why Bother Now???? I ask.

It will be interesting to see when the time comes which way my friends will go. Hmm the seriously fast car has good options though - pity about the overall package - oops who said that?

"Jumbo" Jets Please

Once again the topic of obese passengers travelling on airlines has arisen. There is nothing worse than sitting beside a huge, overweight, obese or whatever you want to call it passenger. Most airlines do not care about the size of their passengers and if they overflow into their neighbour's seat that's their problem. I travelled from Heathrow to Auckland with two very large women behind me. They took turns on this longhaul flight of standing in the aisle so the other could have more room. From a safety perspective and for other passengers' comfort this should not have been allowed. What I want to know is how the heck they fit into those tiny toilet cubicles. Maybe airlines could do a toilet test - if you fit in comfortably (and that doesn't mean a squeeze or holding your breath or worse) you get on the plane. Oh the joys of flying cattle class and the problem is only going to get bigger!!

Let's Move On

The New Zealand Herald reports day after day about police misconduct. Allegations brought by women which happened 20 years ago. The ex/policemen have been trialled, some jailed and an inquest carried out on the police organisation. The public are tired of reading about the wrong doings of only a few officers when the organisation has thousands of hard working police who genuinely try to do the best job they can. The Herald have succeeded in bringing about public mistrust in the police and an even lower morale amongst the police themselves. Please move on and report on something constructive such as the dictatorial leanings of the PM. Remember who brought these issues about in the first place - a perfectly timed smoke screen and it's working on Joe Public superbly.

TradesMen Behaving Badly

I'm totally familiar with tradesmen working on my house, most of them have been reasonable and efficient in their work - some have even done a great job!!! But the tradesman working here at the moment is a right pain in the a..e!! So to all tradesmen out there who need to know tradesmen etiquette - here are a few tips:

• Don't talk for hours about nothing - especially when we don't understand you and only grasp one in every 10 words!!
• Keep out of the drawers - I am speechless about this one!!!!!
• Don't analyse your clients - if we appear to be in a bad mood - we damn well are and you have just made it worse by being there
• Dirty black handprints on painted walls is a no, no - especially when we tell you to be careful
• Keep your dogs locked in the car or better still at home. We do not want to walk in the gate with a dog baring its teeth
• Do not leave long winded and garbled messages on the answerphone - one is sufficient but four or five is damn well annoying - take it to your ex-wives!!
• And most importantly, do not take your troubles about your client to their mother/husband/boyfriend - they will never take your side anyway!!!

Does Size Really Matter?

Since when did buying jeans become so complicated. I mean, there are so many styles, fabrics and sizes and we haven’t even got to THE labels yet. When I got asked what I would like I obviously had to say I wanted the latest, hottest style available – of the Kate Moss variety of course, otherwise what would be the point.

After trying on various labels, and hopping around in the changing room for half an hour I walked out with the jeans with the longest (and yes!! tightest) leg. I think this style should have a warning attached to it:

Warning:

Please consult your medical professional
Before attempting to wear this garment.
May cause loss of blood circulation and
Tightness of breath (from onlookers)
(this may be a good or bad thing)

But don’t let this put anyone off. With the way our nanny state is going, we will be legislated soon enough and there will be a fat tax imposed on everyone who exceeds their BMI. How PC is that?